My Intro to Film

Even the poster is overwhelming.

“Valentine’s Day” (2010) is the latest attempt to create an American “Love Actually.” But with mediocre acting and worse writing, it fails miserably.

Writer Katherine Fugate is too ambitious with how many storylines she wants the audience to follow. Almost every character has his or her own messed up love life that the audience is dragged through. It’s particularly irritating that none of the characters are so flat– the audience knows two things about most of them: 1. Job 2. Relationship Status. Reed (Ashton Kutcher) owns a flower business and spews romantic sentiment after getting engaged on Valentine’s Day morning. His best friend, Julia (Jennifer Garner) fancies a doctor with a secret (Patrick Dempsey), and Julia’s friend, Kara (Jessica Biel) laments bitterly over her lack of love on Valentine’s Day. Kara, a sports publicist, must deal with an ongoing crisis concerning pro-footballer Sean Jackson (Eric Bane), who wants a stronger family and romantic life. Add in six or seven (I lost count!) other romantic storylines, and your head will be spinning trying to figure out who goes with whom.

And while the writing was bad, most of the A-list actors gave such flat, boring performances that they brought nothing to the characters. Anne Hathaway plays a receptionist who moon lights as a phone-sex operator. She doesn’t say much when she’s not arousing her clients, and when she does talk, she lacks emotion or passion. At least her dirty talk and Southern and Russian accents are commendable–and the way she snaps those rubber band “whips” is hilarious. I wouldn’t blame Topher Grace’s character, who plays her love interest, if he were to pursue the relationship via the phone.

Jennifer Garner also fails to entertain or even successfully show emotions as Julia. She’s nonplussed by news of her best friend’s engagement, by the news that her perfect romance might not be so perfect, and seems calm when her fears are confirmed.  After calculating revenge on the man who’s broken her heart, Garner’s character attacks an anti-Valentine’s Day piñata, and finally she shows the anger that any real woman would expel from a failed relationship.

But Hathaway and Garner gave Oscar-worthy performances in comparison to Taylor Swift. Swift, a superstar as a singer, should stay far, far away from any movie script. She takes overacting to a new extreme. Her face seems to change drastically every time she says a line, seemingly losing the scene every time someone else talks. Sure, she plays a ditzy high schooler, but Taylor takes a foil character and makes it all the more obnoxious.

A few performances did shine through the rubbish. Specifically, Julia Roberts steals the spotlight in her small role as Kate and proves that her acting chops can overcome a bad script. An Army captain on a 14-hour flight, she remains mysterious and seemingly sad. She befriends the man sitting next to her, Holden (Bradley Cooper– another charismatic performance), and analyzes his personality.

“You’re wearing a suit, so you’re serious but not committed. You let a stranger sleep on your shoulder, so you like to be needed. And you have something against heart-shaped candy.”

This isn’t the most inspiring stuff to work with, but Roberts knows just how to pace her words, where to inflect, and what to do with her face. Roberts wasn’t just reciting lines– she was reading him, interacting and analyzing. And while the audience knows that she’s going somewhere important, where and to whom remains a secret until the end—decidedly the best part of the entire film. The final reveal creates the realization that all those half-smiles she gives on the plane were for a reason.

But Kate’s storyline is one of, what, ten? It’s not enough to save the entire movie. Instead of walking away with a quirky date movie like “Love Actually,” audiences will walk away from “Valentine’s Day” wondering if all the countless relationships were taken care of in the end and whether any of the cast will ever get another acting gig.

A better way to spend money is to avoid this abysmal movie and head to the candy store where all the holiday chocolate will be on sale, a cheaper and much more satisfying alternative.